In the Cooling

May 18th 2008
A brief flash
- a green dot tells me that you're still here
The silence that takes share of our friendship is not at all like
the comfortable silences that I sought to find.

In the cooling, we exchange words in Arial text.
Titled "Hey", that go on for days
without answering
In the cooling we are both left sitting in our own livingrooms on Saturday nights
in the presence of a glowing screen.
And in my confusion and in the midst of insecurity
I confess to know what this all means

June 2nd 2008
In the cooling, you appear out of nowhere,
here and there every couple of days.
And I teeter back and forth
from visibility to invisibility in the square frame
of a software prompt.
And when we talk, I tell you about how
I'm ok, and how I'm better
with noisy innuendos of desperate pauses.

In the cooling we will play our parts
Composed and stout until
one of us falls apart.
The other forced to listen.
And when we speak to each other next,
the other takes his turn to rumble,
and crumble and mumble,
"I'm down."

In the cooling I am confused.

In the cooling I fantasize that we can make this work,
that its really as simple
and clear
and easy
and romantic
like how it exists in my mind.

In the cooling I imagine what you're going through,
like what I'm going through.
But also,
All the men that you have kissed and have been kissed by
All the the hands that have held yours
All the fingers that have combed your hair and have sifted through the wrinkles of your clothes

In the cooling I am a mess.

June 3rd 2008
And in the wake of another morning
when the first discernable image I compile is you
I get up slowly.
Like yesterday,
I turn to my left
searching for a shift on my mattress that matches your body weight
And what I don't find are your eyes and your morning smell
And what I find instead is a sense that another morning has made my memory of you
a little more dull than yesterdays
And I am afraid that soon I will completely forget the sharp smell of your cologne.

In the cooling I balance the dissonant chatter of the lunchroom at my work
and the loud invading images of you from when we bumped into each other in front of the cinema on Sunday.
I am glad that we both erupted in awkward silence
and that we talked in medium length afterwards
still inside the frames of my laptop and your desktop

Im not quite ready for all of your friendship yet.

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